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For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve consistently thought that good manners is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a satisfying life, I’ve struggled with very little self-assurance. This mix of aiming to be considerate and doubting myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Often, it happens so quickly that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has affected both my private and professional life. It annoys my family and friends and co-workers, and then I get annoyed when they point it out—which only heightens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Asking Questions

This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to speaking to others or posing queries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay focused and avoid going off-topic, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through exposure therapy, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing embarrassments from established male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I fall back to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still enjoy life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to stop the constant apologizing. I’ve learned that therapy might assist me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Finding the Source

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it your own idea or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once benefited us become maladaptive in later years.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than striving. Much of helpful sessions is about understanding yourself, not just problem-solving. A qualified professional will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to examine and embrace who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you judge, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-esteem can grow from there.

Practical Steps

Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid discomfort or being seen, by recognizing perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and worry.

Even processing later can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.

This process will take patience, but admitting there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward improvement.